Monday, March 28, 2011

Blighted

Last rotten post. i promise. :D
So i meant to finish my 2010 blogging long ago, especially after ending my last as i did. Sorry if i confused anyone...
(thank you nicole for letting me use my emails to you as my posts.. they were my at the moment experience. Thank you for that and a million things.)
SO ...the last day in disneyland i found out i was pregnant again. I was super super exctied. We went in for our 8 week, 1st appointment for our 2nd baby and the second i saw that pitch black sac i knew. it was so empty. :( i wanted to run out of there. go back to bed. hope to wake up again and start the day over. Everything felt so normal, like with my Brynlee. The Dr looked and looked and looked. nothing. He was trying to be optimistic, but he was not hopeful. He told us to come back in a week to see if anything had developed, but he was pretty sure it was a blighted ovum.. Thats basically a Sac with no baby in it. For some reason or another it just didnt form, or it did and something wasnt totally right in the beginning so it stopped. I didnt know how to feel, other than Heartbroken.

our appointment didnt go as we hoped on the 17th. Our sac was bigger, and still just as empty. It was starting to "collapse" in places, but kept growing in others, so the dr. felt it would be safer to take care of it sooner than later for my safety. we went to the temple the day before and felt so much better. going into the appointment i just had a feeling of peace. that no matter what we saw it would be ok. I told my dr before we started that i didnt want to rush a d&c but wanted my body to start on its own.. but for some reason after seeing it again, and talking to my husband we both felt like it wasnt time for this baby...as horrible and sad as it felt, but that we would be blessed with more later.

side note..I really have liked my dr. He's nice, and he'll answer any questions. He gave us lots of good "im sorry guys".. but at this appointment with him.. while we're still discussing the definite unviability of this pregnancy he's sidestepping to the door. Now i know i've kept him..5 whole min. but this is important to me to know 100% that im making the correct choice...he's one of those really GOOD medical kind of dr's but im beginning to see what happens when you get TOO busy and stop being a good PERSON kind of dr.

So, he doesnt like the size and shape of the sac. My husband and i talk, and we decide the D&C is what we should do. My dr's office has a Medical section downstairs.. so i scheduled it for the next morning so that my Dr. who i was most comfortable with,... could do the procedure. It was that fast or wait 2 weeks when he worked again. we scheduled it for 10:30 am the next day..

The morning came. i was all kinds of emotional. so im ok one second. not the next. you know how these hormones are. even in normal situations. but in this one. they are even more of a roller coaster. So we wait. and wait. we wait in the waiting room for over an hour. Then they call us back. have me change and go to the prep room for the iv part. so i change. we go in there, and wait.. and wait. uncomfortable in a robe, crying every few min. husband is fuuuming that im sitting there so long waiting. One more hour goes by. Lots of On and off moments with my own depleting box of tissues. The most wonderful nurse in the world is in and out to check on me.. give me an iv, and talk me through things. .. She said the Anesthesiologist will be in to talk to me, then also dr biere, my dr will come in. Well after waiting an hour and 45 min in the room the anesthesiologist comes in for a couple seconds excuses my husband and takes me to the OR. A big sweet, gentle husky biker looking man with a big tatoo helps me untie my gown and helps me onto the table, and the anethesiologist gives me a quick dose of some great meds..and im out. I wake up sobbing with my sweet nurse wiping my tears in the recovery room. thank heavens for her. we wait a bit longer, they get my husband there, and tell me how it went. There was more bleeding.. (im sorry this is so too much information i know.. but i think as im just typing its helping release some of the feelings. anyways i had to get some monster shot in my thigh to simmer down the bleeding, and increase the cramping. so my sweet nurse go that taken care of while i was still out :D. yay again for her. Well they help me get dressed, then help me up and out.

Notice anyone missing during that whole ordeal. .. How about my Lame Dr! He didnt come in to see me ONCE. i was IN HIS FLIPPING OFFICE FOR 3 HOURS before he came in. i mean a flight of stairs away! Thats why i wanted it there and not up the street at the hospital. I understand the anesthesiologist was quick with the meds, so maybe i fell asleep before he came in. but what about the 2 hours i was waiting in my robe, worrying and crying about the whole situation. sitting on a cold chair. waiting. And what about the hour Post Op? Cant you come see how i am. or tell me how it went. walk down the stairs to say anything to us?? Its not like i was having a normal procedure. i was losing a baby. that may be just routine to him, but i feel like how heartless can a person get?! Dont I deserve to be concerned about.. from my DR?! I I wish i was so brave that i could look a Dr in the eye and tell him he's an over scheduled insensitive jerk who cares more about fitting as many women into his day, than whats really important... I wish i could be so bold and brave.. lets get real..

my sisters dr. wiped my sisters tears during her miscarriages. she held her hand during the IV.

I hate change. I hate the trial and error period in finding someone youre comfortable with. after that i hated my dr.

So i was supposed to go back in 2-4 weeks later for a post op. yea, i went somewhere else for sure. My new dr now is wonderful and all things are as they should be. Hopefully soon i'll be able to post about a new happy pregnancy, but that i have learned will be on the lords time, not mine.. :D

15 comments:

Ness said...

I'm sorry you had to go through that! I also went through the same thing in 2008(minus the absent doctor but I think they might be the same person). It's awful and honestly, you do feel totally empty. Good luck in making another baby! It took me 6 months and i month of clomid to finally get going to get me another baby in my belly.

neuroticmom said...

I am so sorry to hear about this. I too, hated my last gynecology practice. They were all so condescending and rude and not one of them believed me when I kept telling them about my heart palpitations. No, it was not all in my head or "normal". I had a major thyroid problem and only my family doc was willing to take me seriously. It makes me sooooo mad.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. I hope you will be able to have another baby really soon. I

Laci & Daniel said...

oh Jenelle :( I'm so sorry!!! That is such an awful thing to go through- especial with a jerky doctor:( Miscarriage is so hard. I had one before I got pregnant with Elle, and it truly is so heartbreaking, and it is definitely a loss that not many understand. I hope you are feeling better and that things are looking up!!

Miss Morgan said...

Bell- This absolutely breaks my heart for you. I'm so sorry. Know that I love you and that you are in my thoughts and prayers. 2010 seems to be one of the worst years in the history of all years. I hope 2011 is a lot better for you.

Love you!
*Morgan

McCall said...

2010 was shit for me too, girl! I'm so sorry that you had this terrible thing happen to you and then you have an experience that only makes it worse!
Who's you're new doc?

{amy k.} said...

i'm so sorry you had to go through that! crappy drs are the worse. (i know you said you have a new dr but dr smithing at the ogden clinic is fabulous if you need a new one!)

sometimes the lord's plan surprises me.... and i don't always understand it. i'm so sorry you had to go through that and i hope this year has been much happier for you!!

The Shaws said...

TEARS!! I think its impossible to read that without crying. Jenelle, I love you so much. I'm so glad you found a new DR, I'm considering doing the same. A new Adams baby will be on the way soon and I'm glad my 2 in heaven have your little one to play with. LOVE YOU so much and I feel so blessed to have you in my life.

Kami @ Sweet Charli... said...

AHHH Jenelle, I am so sorry. What a horrible thing to experience. That sucks that someone you like so much can turn so cold and impersonal. I am so glad you found a new doctor that you like. It makes all the difference. I know how you're feeling, "when will it ever happen?" We hope all will go well for you guys soon. Until then, will you please take one of mine?? I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment!

Courtney said...

Made me all teary eyed reading this! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that but I hope that you will be on a much better track with a new doc and hopefully a new baby! It always happens when it is supposed to, love you guys!

Brad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kenzie said...

Oh Jenelle.. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I can't believe that Dr. I know you will have another wonderfully cute Babe just Like Bryn. Good luck and if I can do anything to help.. PLEASE let me know

Brett and Lindsey said...

Hey Jenelle. I found your blog and I am so happy I did. I have sadly been through the same thing. Twice :( It is extremely difficult and one of the hardest Experiences of my life. Words can't describe the pain I went through. I had my first miscarriage at 4 months so it was really difficult to get all excited to just to find out you lost that precious miracle. I am so sorry for your loss, and I can't believe that your Doctor was absent the whole time. That is so heartless. I hope your new OBGYN works out much better for you. And since then I now have two beautiful children :) I hope this year goes a lot better for your adorable family.

Kent, Krista and Family said...

Jenelle! I'm so sorry to hear of your and Jon's (Boo's) loss. It saddens me! To experience it is one thing but to have a dr that is heartless and uncaring makes it that much worse. I'm so sorry! I love you lots! I hope you will have a new lil babe on the way soon. LOVE YOU!!!

Dave, Cadance and Family said...

I am so sorry you had to go through that!! I can't believe that your dr never showed his face at all to see how you where or anything!b I would have been very upset with my dr as well!!

Liz said...

Jenelle I'm SO sorry! I went to Dave too for a while. In fact he delivered Lucas too. Sometimes he was GREAT and other times I felt like he couldn't get rid of me fast enough. I think that's part of the problem with such a huge office and WAY to many patients. You become a number and not a person. I changed doctors for Nick and I was MUCH happier.

Good luck and Know that we love ya!